2007-02-11 - 9:04 p.m.
this is not an entry.
i've been getting most of my new music lately from music blog peeps like the robot music one, and the nerd littering one, or the shake your fist one... but right now... right now i feel low. right now i'm feeling quite useless. right now i'm just listening to the olde mission of burma e.p.
i'm listening to it and it's helping me out. not sure why. maybe the oldness of it comforts me. a tie to less complicated days.. ormaybe it's writing about the music in conjunction with listening to it. i'm not religious but do believe that spirituality.. getting in touch with ones soul and your place in the universe is important. music helps me do that. music is my gospel. today's vessel of enlightenment is the Mission. amen.
i'm a 30 something year old and i feel like i'm 16.. listening to the cure disintegration album... again. things have changed but nothing has changed. i'm overwhelmed by life. i'm underwhelmed by life. water is all around me and i'm doggy paddlin.
not sure what the trigger of this latest episode was... jaime is away visiting her mom. i'm alone, so i suppose thats part of it. and we've been thinking about having a baby, which is something i want.. but am terrified of too. so that could be part of it... work is a timebomb. thats always there... so thats a part of it. i'm having trouble relating and interacting with old friends, i need to lose some weight, and time is playing tricks on me, so those cliches are all part of it too.
it's probably mostly just the same chemically imbalanced self loathing groove flash bulb popping off again... again.
i went into the city for a dinner this afternoon. ate. pretended to act interested in the procedings... jumped the train home... watched one of fav bands, the p0lice reunite on the crappy grmmy awards... thats when i reached for my revolver.
i'm on my 3rd in a row listenin of "signals, calls, and marches" , by the way. given the time, it looks like i'll make 9 before i sleep. before i sleep..
then it will pass. it always does.
but like i said, this is not an entry. its been so long since i've written an entry.
-e
p.s.
i just read an entry of someone i still read on this diarythang. she said.. "I just called to order my pizza and gave the name Heather. I have this thing where I don't want people to know me. I don't want to be a "regular" at a food establishment or business, with the exception of my favorite bar. I just want to be invisible, anonymous, and when I get takeout I use either Jennifer, Heather or Laurie as my name. "
i do that too. usually my name is "syd" or "marshall" or "bill". next time i might use "burma" and see what happens... 0-;
thank you clint, roger, peter and martin.
exit..
